I consider myself a cheerful person. I am not one to cry easily and prefer not to cry. I don’t know why I feel this way, but it’s as if to let my tears fall is a sign of sadness or weakness. And that would be a bad thing? Would it set me back if I let myself stop and process once more not having my Erin with me in this life? Except that during this Christmas holiday, at unexpected moments, something has happened more than once that brought my Erin close-really close-I saw or heard something typical of the season that caused a memory of the time of life that included her or a memory of just her to surface in full color and detail.
And at that moment everything stopped inside of me and waited and watched that memory draw me closer, desperately not wanting to miss it. During those moments of remembering her silly faces and mannerisms, the sound of her voice, the presence of her next to me within familiar surroundings, I felt my own feelings for her in the way I used to feel during her life on earth on any given day at any random moment. And it felt wonderfully comforting and welcomingly whole as warm tears fell out of recognition of those feelings I felt for her each day of her 18 years of life in all the ways she made our family complete while also turning many days upside down by just being Erin. Reminding me of the ways that she has left her mark on all of our hearts and that have made us more perceptive, more tolerant, more loyal, and more appreciative of our own individual uniqueness within our family.
So, during this Christmas season when my memories of Erin surface at the sound of a favorite Christmas song, while enjoying my colorful tree full of ornaments she loved, when sipping a frosty at Wendy’s, or while reminiscing with dear friends and family; I take that moment to stop, to bring her memory forward in my mind, to see her more clearly as I knew her, and to feel her with all the love I feel for her still…
And, I let the warm tears fall.
Sorting it Out... 