The Battle

They were always at odds…for spite…for sport…delivering insults with a grin and with eyes cutting sideways to see how their charged words left their mark on the other…if the impact would turn from snort to snicker.

 “Hushabye your tootsie face, ‘Dan’l!” 

 “Erin, Erin, Erin!  Hey-E!” 

The oldest and youngest birth children could ignite the household when together under the same roof.  Erin would yell at the top of her lungs.  Daniel would guffaw in retort. Erin would yell, “Dan’l!  Go back to ‘Rado!” (Colorado) and then laugh and wait for his next move…which would come in a Nerf gun shot at her from around the corner of the living room hitting her on the top of her head.  She’d brace herself knowing it was coming.

So abrasive and yet so alike in many ways.  Daniel and Erin.  Both with fighting spirits…untamed by nature and passionate about what they loved and who they loved. Protective of their things and yet masters of loving unconditionally. Demanding to be heard and understood. Forgiving to the core and always recognizing their need to be forgiven when their anger or actions were uncapped. Always knowing they had a place and always preferring to be in that place in the center of our family.

On this day each year, February 12^th, I find myself on the eve of a celebration of this battling duo with such conflicting feelings. 

February 13^th is the day four years ago that I kissed Erin goodbye in this world and sent her on to one in which she will live forever in a place full of eternal love…a place where I know she is safe and held close and free in ways she has never before experienced.   

February 14^th was the day 36 years ago I gave birth to my oldest son, Daniel, who now, in life, is living his best life…one that began anew at the start of his recovery just 3 ½ years ago…one in which he is thriving in his own home and family and his job.

I am filled with conflicting feelings of joy for both as well as loss of the times I had them together in life stirring up our lives in the most amusing ways…ones that brought me great joy and were a pure demonstration of the deep connection they shared.  I’ve come to understand the grieving process, experiencing conflicting feelings that dig at each other back and forth all at the same time as I hear the banter of their voices in my memories.

They not only shared the battle between them…they each battled within.

Erin has always argued with herself in third person… “Erin, stop it! Stop yelling! Be nice to your friends! Don’t hit! Erin, LISTEN! You can do it! Try harder! I love you, Erin! Aww….I love you, too, Erin!” Typical of people with Down syndrome, Erin had no filter and worked through her thoughts aloud. We could all hear them…daily…nightly…and rallied around her to help her find her safe place where she could calm down. She could hear herself, scold herself, redirect herself, affirm herself…aloud. She sought out people and soared when she was engaging with others in her inner circle who understood her and could help. She surfaced with full emotion, bringing all her physical strength to meet the moment, sometimes working through a problem with her fists…lashing out and, then, retreating with a loving expression and kind words. So sorry for her actions and totally impulse-driven without restraint, but not with ill-intent. Seeking that sense of control and needing to find that place within herself to settle, knowing she had a safety net in her space and with her people. Though a constant battle, fought daily, she found a place to be herself, to be happy…a place where she knew she was loved. I love her still with my whole heart and miss her each day and think of her each day. I fight harder in life because of what I learned about love in loving her harder to help her function better and to be happy each day.

Now, that battle is over, and I believe, I feel, I am absolutely sure…She is free.  I am sure Erin is living her best life.  I imagine what that is like for her each and every day when I walk down the street and look up at the sky at the sun at sunrise or sunset…the clouds…the stars…and the moon.  I see her in my mind and feel her in my heart as I listen to music while I walk.  I am comforted by the belief in something greater than this life and that I trust with my child.

Erin is living her best life.

Daniel. I love him…so dearly. He has always challenged life to the fullest and expected to find the best in it. His second grade teacher said he worked out his problems with his fists. He has worked harder in life to find his best self. He is committed fully to his passions and always has worked hard to achieve…in lacrosse, on the slopes, in his jobs, in relationships…the most committed friend you’ll ever find. He loves his family and is ever present from wherever he is across the country to brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. He loves and feels what all are feeling in the moment when he calls. He is a person who is present, loves, and is loved. He does not judge and is there at a moment’s notice, if needed. He knows himself. He is honest in his battles and struggles. He reaches out. He calls. He knows who will be on the other end of the phone at a moment’s notice. He’s always been there for others because he also knows others are always there for him. That’s what makes life work. We love hard with Daniel. We learn all that is real and that matters in life in love and family from Daniel. He has taught us to love harder and better in all of his talent, loud voice, and huge personality. We learn to live our best life because we see him living his. He has overcome his battles and is still aware of the fight, always trying to stay a step ahead of it. Always thankful. I love that guy…grateful for my son.

Daniel is living his best life.

On the eve of this weekend…on February 12^th, the eve of the 4^th year of Erin’s passing, the weekend of Daniel’s birthday, and the day we celebrate love, I am grateful for my Erin and my Daniel.  I am grateful for the recent walks around the block on a bitter cold night when Daniel visited briefly on the East Coast for work… for being real in the moment and sharing who we are and how we are changing in life for the better. Living better and loving each other more in the now.

This evening, I celebrate the best life for my Daniel and my Erin in the here and now…always connected…always celebrated…always loved…always remembered.

To stay ahead…to stay connected takes heart and all we are.